The Beginning of the End

It came Friday... The dreaded "your AFS program is coming to an end" letter...  We have two months left.  Just 58 short days until we put Ine on a bus and send her back home to her family and her life which has awaited her patiently for these past 8 months...  It is impossible to believe the day is coming when she won't be here all of a sudden, and we will get on about our lives, which seem like they'll be impossibly plain without her here.

Now that spring has finally arrived, we got a table so we can eat
together outdoors and enjoy time together out of the house!

In the beginning, when you are matched, you have an idealized picture of your year with your student.  It is one of adventure, fascinating cultural exchange, mutual interest in each other, happiness and good cheer.  Then your student arrives, and it is almost immediately clear that they are a human being like anyone else.  Oh sure, everyone is on their best behavior for a few days or a few months, but eventually they, like everyone else, become part of the furniture.  They complain, you are tired, your kids are bratty, work or school isn't going well, personalities aren't quite what one or the other pictured...

I have painted a very rosy picture on this blog of how our lives have been, and it would be disingenuous to pretend that it has been a bed of roses all along.  We have had moments of conflict, moments when we didn't understand each other, moments when we let something go that might have made our year easier if we just had gotten it out of our systems.  I have showed a lot of travel, but there were far more days spent at home, me slaving away on my computer in the basement while Ine worked on her homework or watched TV upstairs and Leah slept.  There have been times I emailed Ine's parents and asked, "Why is your kid acting this way!?" and I have lost sleep over how quiet she was, whether she knew my name, did she like me, was she having fun, why wasn't she more engaged with us?

We recently completed a 5K together, and made
team tees so everyone knew we were together

The fact is, we have been hosting a high introvert with high social anxiety, and coming from someone who considers herself a high introvert, that is saying something.  I have been patient, knowing that letting her blossom would lead to great things, and at about the halfway point of the year, she finally let her guard down and became what we now affectionately refer to as The Real Ine.  She is loud and hilarious and jokes with us both and plays with Leah and complains and laughs at herself and responds to us and gets us to respond to her.  She has fun with the cats, she is expressing opinions more, she makes faces, shares deep stories about herself, engages in critical thinking about her thoughts and behaviors, and equally importantly, she calls me out when I try to escape situations 'diplomatically'... (We recently made a mutual ban on the words "Maybe", "I don't know" and "Everything", agreeing that they aren't really answers.  Now we have to really talk to each other!)

Ine has gone from being a child hiding out in her room to being a kid who literally does not want to leave my side.  This week, she attended meetings at our church just because "I don't want to be home alone!"  She has gone from a kid who told me when she arrived, "It's so noisy here, my house is very quiet" to "It's too quiet!  Say something!"  I would go days without meaningful conversations with her, but now we text each other trying to come up with complex sentences using only emoticons, trading pictures, exchanging real information.  She goes on my Facebook to like my pictures.  We talk in the car.  She plays with the cats, patiently lets Leah play beauty salon and do her hair and nails, goes to events, talks with friends, expresses her opinions, and rolls her eyes and sighs at my jokes.

My mom calls Ine "our family's exchange student".
She isn't just mine and Leah's!

Recently, a friend posted a "throw back" conversation we had on Facebook one night last April--I had been actively involved in the conversation for hours on this thread.  As I read over it, in addition to laughing about what we had all been discussing, I thought to myself, "God, I hope that's not what my life is going to go back to being on June 30th.  How unsatisfying is that going to be!"  I have come out of my shell.  One thing I learned quickly on was that Ine needed to be told we were going to do something.  This is counter to the way I operate, which is generally to give choices.  But I've become more decisive, I've learned not to take no for an answer.  Ine was so self conscious when she arrived, I went out of my way to do things to look foolish to demonstrate the ability to laugh at one's self.  And now I genuinely have the capacity to laugh at myself when I mess up!  I have found inner reserves of strength I didn't know I had, I have learned to really let go of the little things, I have learned to prioritize.  These are huge life lessons, and it took hosting an 18 year old Belgian student to figure them out!

Ine and my sister, Judy.  We feel like we've gained
a second sister through this experience.

So here's what I'm trying to say...  Being an AFS host parent is a lot of work.  But it is absolutely, completely, totally 100% worth it.  There is not a single student you can host out of the thousands you can choose from each year who won't undergo a total transformation.  And the best part?  You will undergo a transformation too.  You learn to communicate, you learn patience, you learn trust, you learn courage.  Some of these things you learn because of what you do, but some of them you learn because you get to watch your student.  I remember the first days of school for all 3 of the students I have hosted in the past 5 years.  All three times, I had the thought, "Wow, that is the bravest thing I have ever seen!"

There are little things I like doing when my student first arrives which hint at the tip of the cultural iceberg.  I love seeing toothpaste tubes written in a foreign language, t-shirts and clothing styles from other countries, I love hearing foreign accents and foreign languages, trying foreign snacks, learning a new game.  But deep underneath, the part of the iceberg you can't see, you learn so much more and your life becomes so much richer for understanding that not everyone sees the world the way you do.

AFS uses the cultural iceberg model, and it really makes sense to me too!

I started this year not only excited, but terrified about the prospect of being a single parent to a kindergartener and a high school senior.  My life was quiet and comfortable, Leah and I had trained each other in our routines very well.  But I couldn't say no when Ine was presented to me as a new family member.  Not once this year have I regretted the decision to host her.  I hope that you reading this will consider hosting an exchange student as well.  Although our year is drawing to a close, and there have already been a few tears and some anticipatory heartache, we know that the pain of the ending means we are a family, not just an AFS family, not just a host family, not even a Belgian-American family, we are family.  I will miss Ine so much.  I know I'll see her in a year, and I know I will hear from her when she returns to Belgium and has gotten used to things again.  Our little family will never be the same, and that is the best thing of all.

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I'd be remiss if I didn't thank the following:

• Amy Neumann--Amy was our host family/student liaison this year.  AFS assigns each family a liaison and you speak with them once a month, they help give you perspective on what struggles you are facing, they listen to you, they visit, they take your student out, and really help you with ideas and new ways of thinking.  Amy has been a wonderful liaison.  Whenever I was frustrated, I was able to call her and she would listen as only another adult can.  I remember one phone call in particular where I was talking about something and said, "It's just so weird!" and she said, "It's not weird, it's different."  My whole perspective changed in that moment.  Thanks so much, Amy!
• Alexandra Klaff--Alexandra is our area team leader.  She called me last July out of the blue, having taken over from the previous team leader, and asked if I was interested in getting involved again.  I said I was, and from that moment on, she has encouraged me as a volunteer.  In August, she called me about hosting, and matched us with Ine, made sure we got the money we needed for tuition to the local private school, and has been so supportive and encouraging all year as I try to build a Fredericksburg team, and as I have been a host.  
• Joseph Castellano--Joseph is our student support coordinator in NYC at AFS HQ.  He is only a phone call away, has helped us with communications with AFS Belgium and with Ine's family, has tirelessly and cheerfully emailed (I love that his emails always include weather reports from NY) and is always responsive and able to answer or find the answers to whatever questions we may have.
• Fredericksburg Academy--the staff, faculty, and students at Fredericksburg Academy have been incredible.  The school is so small, Ine has gotten such incredible personal attention there and her school year has been completely amazing.  Whatever questions we had were answered, they've been responsive, polite, receptive, and welcoming.  I have loved being an FA family this year, and I look forward to working with them for future students.
• Leah--my daughter Leah has been a trooper through this entire year.  She suddenly had to share her house, her cats, her mom, and her routine with another person.  At any age, this can be difficult, but even though in the beginning she didn't click with her new sister, her little heart has been open and full of love and she has been an amazing source of joy and affection that patiently waited until the time was right.  Those who know her know that she is not a quiet, laid back child, and she is a whole lot of stubborn and possesses very little patience, but somehow she managed to find a place where she could meet Ine on Ine's schedule and now she wants nothing more than to be with her big sister.  (even if she does call Ine "our host student" haha)

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Here are the top questions I get about hosting exchange students, along with some answers...

1.  I am single/divorced/gay.  I am not an ideal family.  Can I host?

I am a single parent.  I was widowed just about 3 years ago.  I felt so nervous when I was asked to host.  When I was given access to the AFS database to find a student to host, I actively looked for students who were being raised by single parents already, thinking it would be easier if they were used to not having a dad in the house.  Guess what?  I got a kid from a two parent home.  And it has worked out fine.

Yes, you can be single.  You can be gay.  You can be straight.  You can be black.  You can be Asian.  You can be white.  There is no such thing as a perfect family, but your family is perfect for a student who needs a home.

You need to be able to  pass a background check.  You need to be able to support another person in the home (food, shelter).  You need to be willing and able to treat your student as a member of the family.  Other than that, apply away!

2.  I don't have children in my house.  I only have small children in my house.  Can I host?

The first time we hosted, we had a 1 year old.  The second time we hosted, we had a 2 year old.  This year, I had a 5 year old.  Yes, you can host even if you don't have teenagers living at home.  Some people say "oh, it's easier if you have teenagers, they can entertain each other!" but that doesn't necessarily ring true.  Sometimes the kids don't get along.  Sometimes they have no interest in each other. Sometimes they get busy doing all different things and you're trying to run in all different directions to accommodate everyone's schedule.  There probably is more responsibility on me to keep Ine entertained than if I had a teen in the house. But it's nice to have company, it's nice to have a different relationship with her, and I'm willing to do it!

3.  I don't have a lot of money or a big house.  Hosting is expensive, isn't it?

Hosting is not an expensive proposition.  All you need to do is provide your student 3 meals a day, a bed of their own (they can share a room with a same sex sibling close in age), and make sure they can get to school.  Most of them come with their own spending money, and they are responsible for their own fees when it comes to things like school activities (ie prom, sports/athletics, etc).  You are supposed to treat them as a member of the family, so if as a family you do something like go to the movies, you pay for their tickets and popcorn like everyone else.  Sometimes the natural family can chip in on travel expenses, as Ine's parents did when we went to DisneyWorld this year.  There is no stipend for hosting, but you can take a small tax deduction for hosting a student.

4.  I don't have the time to take my student all over the US.

You are a host family, not a travel agency.  The students come to the US to learn about our culture from the inside.  They are to participate as a member of the family and they are to go to school.  Anything else is gravy.  There is no requirement to show them anything, or to take them anywhere.  Of course, it's fantastic if you can!  Most students have an idea that the US is New York City and DisneyWorld, but there are students who are placed nowhere near those things and/or whose families can't afford to make those things happen.  It doesn't mean they don't have a great year.  Think about the opportunities you have in your own community and how fun it is to participate in those.  One of my favorite trips with my students every year is to go up into the mountains to Luray Caverns.  This spring we will go strawberry picking.  We had a great time in December just driving around looking at Christmas lights.  Small things make a huge difference.  Not everyone is Hollywood. :)

For more questions and answers, visit the AFS Host Family FAQ's site (it will open in a new window).


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This is a really long post.  Thank you for reading, thank you for considering hosting a student, and thank you for supporting us as a family this year.